If you’ve been reading our blog you know that Lindsi and I met at a Children’s Hospital where we were both nurses. Lindsi worked there for 5 years, 4 of which were in the critical care units. She is now a stay-at-home mom. Jamie continues to work there in the pediatric intensive care unit, and has been in critical care for 11 years. The biggest thing we have learned during our years is that if you don’t have a little bit of humor, you will not survive pediatric critical care nursing. It’s a difficult job some days, but one that neither of us regret doing! Without further ado, here is our (humorous) take on 10 (serious) things we’ve learned while working as pediatric critical care nurses.
1) Peanuts, peas, grapes, and popcorn can cause your child to choke. In fact, any food can cause your child to choke. It’s probably best just to put a feeding tube in your child’s stomach and not give them anything by mouth.
2) Along those same lines as above, young children like to put everything in their mouths including toxic things such as cleaning solutions and grandma’s pills. Get rid of all your cleaning solutions, take grandma’s pills away (she doesn’t really need them anyway), and make sure there are no other toxic things in your house or anyone elses’ house. Better yet, just glue your child’s mouth shut and put a feeding tube in their stomach. That takes care of #1 and #2!
3) Children can drown in water (even a small amount). Never let your child near any kind of water; no swimming, no baths, and heck, don’t even let them drink it!
4) There is a virus out there called RSV (respiratory syncytial virus) that can make your baby VERY sick. Peak season for it is just after the holidays when families get together and pass round germs. It lasts through the winter months. It’s probably best to delay your labor until after the holidays (even if you are technically due). Then, keep your baby locked in your house away from EVERYONE for the entire winter (who cares if your baby is 6 months old the first time grandma and grandpa see it).
5) Most babies are born with lack of oxygen at birth, a severe heart defect, a chromosome disorder, or some other major defect. If they are born ok, something else will eventually happen. It doesn’t matter that the REAL statistics say that most babies will grow to adulthood without any kind of issue–we see the worst of the worst cases in the five state area. Our statistics must represent the general population of the world.
6) MRSA is everywhere. It has been around forever (you just just haven’t heard about it till now). Both Lindsi and I carry it, our children probably have it. It is not as bad as the media makes it sound. Believe us, there are other “super bugs” out there that are much worse than MRSA, the media just doesn’t know about them yet!
7) Driveways and grandparents are dangerous. We’ve seen more than one child get run over when someone is backing out of the driveway. Do not let your child play in the driveway when there is a running vehicle. Do not let grandparents drive in or out of the driveway. Better yet, just get rid of your driveway, park on the street, and only let grandparents visit if the kids are locked in a room with you.
8) Weird and unusual accidents happen. You never know what kind of thing could cause your child harm. It’s probably best to construct an unbreakable kid-sized hamster ball thingy and keep your child in it. Provide only the necessities for your child because everything else could cause harm. Your child can simply observe the world from the inside. They do not need to participate in it.
9) Yes, there is such a thing as an ugly baby. In fact, some babies are so ugly they are cute. Does that make sense?
10) Some really ugly parents produce some really cute kids (Jamie). Some really good looking parents produce some really ugly kids (Lindsi). Wait, did I just say that me, Hubby, and Lindsi’s kids are ugly? I did NOT mean to say that! I think what I’m really trying to say is that some people should just not become parents!